Aching for what could be

I woke up crying this morning.

It is never a good sign when I start the day with tears on my pillow before I even get out bed. But this was a familiar pain that I woke up with -- a pain deep in my soul that I have carried for a decade now. An ache for the way I wish things were versus the way I know they are and what is missing in the "in between space".

I went to bed thinking about the medical trip we are taking to Calcutta in July. Having been on many of these trips before, I know we are going to be overwhelmed with all the desperation. I know there will be hundreds of people who will need our attention. I know that we will have deeply moving, tough, fun, and very ordinary experiences all wrapped up in every hour of every day. And unfortunately I know that we won't have enough time, people, or resources to do everything that needs to be done.

That's why I woke up crying.

I was dreaming about being in the slums and wanting to help everyone but in the dream, we didn't have enough people to help out.

Some people look at all that need and divert their eyes, it's just too much for them take in and think about. Some people look at the need and give necessary finances. Others see the need and respond with their time --God is calling them to be His hands and feet to the Dalits in the slums of Calcutta. All responses are acceptable - and God's grace is at work transforming us all in the midst of our responses. We need a couple more physicians, a nurse or two, a counselor, and at least one dentist to round out this team. For those of us that are going on the trip, I know we will touch and be touched in ways we never dreamt possible. There is a deeply mysterious beauty that happens when we sacrifice ourselves for the benefit of others -- we all end up transformed.

Some of my ache comes from those who are NOT going on this trip. I ache for what is missing - their presence. I long for them to experience first hand what God is doing in the world, and see and feel their own transformation in the midst of meeting the needs of the poorest of the poor. I long for the Dalits to be touched and helped by them. I long for our Indian partners to be encouraged by them. And I personally long for them to be part of the moment in time when we work side by side with brothers and sisters in Christ for the transformation of everyone - myself included.